Hidden Things

I love hidden things. I’ve been especially taken with the idea of a hidden room in a house. I recently subscribed to a feed for Lifehacker and was presented with a post on how to create a hidden room with a couple of bookshelves from Ikea. Slick idea, that.

My fascination with hidden things started in childhood, likely with the books I chose to read. Frances Hodgson Burnett was particularly good at presenting stories of children who tucked themselves away in hidden worlds – most notably Mary Lennox in The Secret Garden, although there were elements of this with Sara Crewe in her attic space in A Little Princess. (Incidentally, both of the movies that have been made of these books are fabulous. I can’t get enough of the movie version of The Secret Garden, and when I first watched A Little Princess, I was surprised at how precisely it matched what I had imagined from reading the book.)

Hidden things mean mystery. And mystery means intrigue. And intrigue is, well, intriguing.

With my penchant for hidden things, when it came time to create the layout for my book and website, you don’t suppose that perhaps I just maybe on the off chance happened to sneak a little hidden something in, do you?

FtTP: U2 + Elvis

This Frankensteining the Talent Pool post idea comes courtesy of my lovely, talented, super-de-duper smart Hubby.

We were at a friend’s house last night and said friend has of late been grooving on the music of Elvis – all eras of Elvis, from the early Blue Suede Shoes stuff of the ’50s, through the surf and bikini stuff of the ’60s, and into the white, rhinestoned jumpsuit stuff of the ’70s. One of the songs on our friend’s compilation disc was Moody Blue, which reminded me that my dad had a handful of Elvis albums (vinyl) that I used to play as a kid. One of them was Moody Blue, memorable because the vinyl was blue. He also had a yellow vinyl Elvis album.

Not that that has much to do with this FtTP, but I’m getting to it. Within my dad’s collection, there was an Elvis album that contained the song Rubberneckin’, which I thought was a rather corny song at the time. Certainly not one of my favorites. Well, last night this song also played within the lineup and I have an entirely different opinion of it now. It was a total hoot, especially this strange disco effect within the song, a sound that sounded like a cartoon rocket taking off. (I can’t describe it any better than that. You just have to hear it understand what I’m talking about.)

After listening to this song, Hubby turned to me and said, “Can’t you hear U2 playing this?” By jove! He’s absolutely right! U2 could pull of a killer rendition of Rubberneckin’. I’d love to hear what the Edge would do with the guitar part.

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As I was researching this post, I found a great site that shows a compilation of Elvis songs and albums. What I found most helpful about the site was that the album covers are pictured. I have a good memory for images, so by looking through these covers, I can remember the ones my dad had in his collection. The album Dad had that contained Rubberneckin’ was called Double Dynamite. Most of my dad’s Elvis collection was from the jumpsuit era.

What Would a Story Look Like …

… if any time you got stuck in your writing, you plucked the next event/detail/occurrence out of life and threw it into your story?

Independence Day

Happy Fourth of July! Fireworks, picnics, flag-waving, parades, BOAT parades. That’s what the Fourth of July calls to mind. If, however, the holiday is called by its other name – Independence Day – the historical aspects of the day come to the fore. The Declaration of Independence, the Founding Fathers, the throwing off of the shackles of tyranny, FREEDOM! Woot!

At New Year’s, many in society make all kinds of resolutions, promising themselves that the new year will be positively transformative. By February, most of those resolutions have gone by the wayside.

What if we used Independence Day as a psychological goal to keeping those resolutions? It’s around the half-way point in the year and seems much more doable than December 31.

Or, better yet, what if we used Independence Day as a prod to become more independent  in our lives? We could decide to extract ourselves from a rotten situation, or start seriously questioning what the talking heads [name your talking head*] are telling us, rather than accepting their words as gospel. We could escape the tyranny of our own negative thoughts and self-imposed stressful circumstances. There are plenty of things from which we can declare our independence.

Independence is not a given on every level, even if you live in the Land of the Free. We have to keep fighting for it.

Happy Independence Day, everyone!

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[In the spirit of the day, here are some wallpapers showing fireworks that were compiled by Lifehacker. I've chosen number 5 for my computer.]

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*Note [later on the Fourth]: When I say “talking head” here, I don’t mean someone you disagree with. It’s easy to bitch about people whose ideology you can’t stand. There isn’t much risk in that, thus there’s no struggle for independence. Instead, try questioning a talking head you agree with, rather than buying everything they say with a loaf of bread and a jar of honey. When you can critically take apart the argument of someone you normally agree with, that’s a true display of independence.

Greenville: The Other Editions

Back when I was uploading the layout of Greenville to my Cafe Press store and I wasn’t sure it was going to work properly, I ordered a single copy of the Keeping Edition just to be sure. Very exciting to get that in the mail.

Once I was confident that the process would be successful, I uploaded the other two editions of the book – the Sharing Edition and the Unfinished Edition. I did not, however, order copies of these right away. I didn’t feel like I had the money on hand and kept putting it off. Well, last week I took the plunge and ordered the other two editions. They weren’t scheduled to ship until July 13, so imagine my surprise to find a Cafe Press box on my doorstep getting wet with this afternoon’s downpour.

Of course I have pics of the contents:

Greenville: The Sharing Edition

Greenville: The Unfinished Edition

The Greenville Trifecta

You know, while publishing may be becoming an increasingly digital endeavor, there’s still something so exciting, so satisfying, about receiving physical copies of books in the mail, especially ones you had a hand in creating.

A Gratuitous Cat Photo - Hey! How'd he get in here?

Voice

One of the critical Aha! moments in a writer’s life is when s/he develops a distinctive writing voice and also fully recognizes that voice. Judging from my own experience, this is a process that comes in stages, not all at once. The distinctive voice may be there, but it may take time before the writer realizes it.

In reading a few emails written by my older brother, I noticed that his voice shines right through. I can hear him saying what he has written. (That’s a BIG clue in recognizing your writing voice. Another one is if you can’t stand to have someone else read your work aloud because they aren’t saying things the way you would.)

My brother doesn’t identify himself as a writer, although he is quite the speaker. He does announcing for various sporting events and he’s very good at it. My guess is (and he’ll correct me if I’m wrong) that he has never agonized over whether he has a distinctive writing voice. It has come naturally and without question precisely because he hasn’t thought to question it, whereas, when you embark on the path of a writer, all you can do, at least for a while, is question your voice (among many other things). I think this is because we writers are trying to pay close attention to our writing in order to keep improving upon it.

I also think that we have to break out of the pedantic writing we learned in school. We’re taught to try so hard at creating proper form that our writing becomes wooden. Unlearning that woodeness takes courage. (Is this flippa-flappin’ comma in the right place? Where do I put the adverbs again? Do I need to care about split infinitives?)

Courage is needed, and maybe some encouragement. I maintained a college-y style to my writing until my mother-in-law suggested I write as though I were painting a picture. The art metaphor worked and I loosened up. It took another several years before I recognized my voice, although others mentioned that they could tell my writing apart from that of other writers before I came to acknowledge my voice.

If you’re a writer and feel as though you can’t find your voice, break some writing rules, write as though you’re emailing a friend, and flick the writing teacher off your shoulder. Have someone else read your writing and see if they can hear you. Your voice is there.

Strategy for Tackling a Computer Infection

My older brother just called. His computer has been infected with some sort of malware and he wanted advice on how to get rid of it. I’ve been meaning to write this post for a few weeks, but have been putting it off. Now that the Bro needs help, it’s time to get crackin’.

So, you think you’ve got a computer virus or Trojan horse, or some other malware mucking up your system? (Check out the signs to be sure. Website links that redirect you to “spammy” websites can be one clue.)

While I have found plenty of instructions online for removing specific infections, I have not yet seen a rundown of a mental strategy for dealing with an infection. And, trust me, you will need a mental strategy because computer infections are hair-pulling, f-word-inducing experiences.

The Critical Step

First of all, if you think your computer has an infection, Disconnect It From the Internet!

This piece of advice came from my younger brother, although my older brother said he had done this immediately, as well. The reason you want to do this is so that whatever has gotten into your computer can’t be sending info back to the malware creator (passwords, credit card numbers, etc.) or using your computer as some sort of spam robot (wherein your computer is given instructions to spam everything it comes into contact with). These infections are meant to spread. By disconnecting from the internet, you limit the infection’s ability to cause havoc on other machines.

Decide Whether You Are Able (or Want to) Tackle the Virus

Next, if you do not know anything about the inner workings of a computer, like what the Registry is, or how to find System Restore, or even how to open and run your antivirus program, the best thing you can do is take your computer to an expert, someone who does understand all this stuff, and have him or her fix it for you. You can also choose this option if you do understand computers, but don’t have the time or desire to deal with the infection.

Back Up Your Important Files

If you can, back up any important files on a CD or flash drive. You should be doing this regularly anyway, just in case this sort of thing happens. It will save you from suffering most of the stress of an infection simply to know that you have a backup.

Before loading these files onto a clean computer, you may want to have them tested for the infection because malware can easily hitch a ride onto your files. If you’re having someone disinfect your computer for you, mention that you’d like your backup files checked too.

Plenty of Time & Access to a Second Computer

If you’ve decided to tackle the infection yourself, give yourself a huge chunk of time in which to do the work necessary. I’ve discovered it can take a good half a day. Much of this time will be spent waiting for scans, so have a book on hand or some music to listen to in order to alleviate boredom.

You will also need a second computer, one that has access to the internet. You’ll see why this is handy momentarily.

Run Your Virus Scanner

Using whatever virus scanner you have loaded onto your computer (you do have one, don’t you?), run a scan of the computer. Sometimes, the scanner will be able to catch the infection and disable it. (If it does, yay! You’re done!) Likely, though, the infection is pernicious and your virus scanner won’t be able to handle it. What you want to discover from this scan is the name of the infection. Is it a virus, a Trojan horse, a worm?

Write down the full name of the infection. If it appears to have more than one name, or you can’t quite identify the name, write down whatever info your scanner gives you in relation to the infection.

Look Up Your Infection Online

Here’s where the second computer with internet connection is necessary. Type the name of your infection into your favorite browser and include the word ‘removal’. You will typically get a number of results that walk you through steps to get rid of your infection.

Read several websites before proceeding. You want to get a sense of what others have tried (did it work, or not?), plus you will need instructions that are clear and complete. Likely, you will find a forum discussion thread that has hashed over the infection. Forums can give you hints that other sites might not. If you don’t understand a set of instructions, either ignore them or read other sites for clarity.

Bookmark any sites you think will be useful so that you can refer back to them.

Use Sneakernet

Many of the instructions you’ll find on infection removal will suggest that you download particular programs and run them on the infected computer. Forgo any versions of software that you have to pay for at first. You’ll probably be too frazzled by the infection to analyze these properly. You can always come back to them after trying free malware removal tools. If you decide to use software you need to pay for, ask your tech friends for suggestions.

When downloading malware removal programs, download them on your second computer (the clean one), save them to a CD or flashdrive and then install them from there onto the infected computer. (This is Sneakernet because you can walk the disc or flashdrive across the room to another computer. Thanks to Younger Bro for that term.)

Follow the Instructions

Follow whatever instructions you’ve been given and allow the malware removal software to run complete scans. Be sure to quarantine and/or heal any infections found. Hopefully by the time you are done with this, your computer will be free of its infection. Congratulations! Now, walk away from the computer and give yourself a much-needed break.

Know When to Give Up & Seek Professional Help

If at any point in the process, things don’t seem to be working properly (infections can disable anti-malware programs), or some step in the instructions seems beyond your skill (for example, editing the Registry), stop where you are, write down all the steps you’ve taken thus far (including the full text of any error messages), and contact someone with the technical skill to assist you.

Recovering

There is no reason to stress yourself out over a computer infection. If you’ve already lost information, take a deep breath and think about ways to recover at least some of it.

Did you email an important document to someone? You may have it in your email sent file, or that someone may still have it and can send it back to you. Did you make any backups at all? Even old ones? Did you print anything out?

If you’re still vibrating over lost information, take another deep breath (or several – just don’t hyperventilate) and realize that this is an opportunity to start anew. Most of what you’ve lost probably wasn’t all that important anyway and the infection has just provided you a quick way to clean your computer’s closet, so to speak. Rejoice in the fresh start.

And remember to back up those files!

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A Few Sites to Get You Started

Major Geeks Malware Removal Guide

WikiHow: How to Remove a Virus

Microsoft Window Malicious Software Removal Tool

WikiHow: System Maintenance & Repair links

I’m a Blue Whale

I found the following quiz through an email newsletter I receive from Blue Avocado, a website that deals with nonprofit issues. As you can see from my result, I live and breathe the nonprofit life.

Are you a nonprofit fish? My Result: Blue Whale Mary Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE You are thoroughly immersed in nonprofit culture and can swim anywhere in the ocean. Quiz School Take this quiz & get your result

Are you a nonprofit fish? » Quizzes

Glass Eye

My sister knows someone who has a glass eye. She was telling me about him and relaying a story he had told her. Once he was in an air-conditioned building and walked outside into a hot day and his glass eye shattered. Someone helped him to clean out the glass, but he was bummed because he didn’t have another glass eye to insert. He went home and told his mom and she went to a box where she kept all of his old glass eyes and she pulled one out for him to use. He washed it before inserting it. My sister said that he had all these glass eyes because as he grew, he’d have to be refitted for a new one every so often.

Wow. The questions this raises in my mind …

How often does a person have to be refitted for a glass eye?

If it’s not replaced, will it eventually become too small for the socket and fall out?

Does a glass eye track like a normal eye? Or does it stay stationary?

How is it lubricated?

Is it heavy? How does it feel in the socket? Does it get to a point where the body can’t really feel it (like glass, contacts, or a hearing aid)?

What’s it like to insert a glass eye? What’s it like not to wear the eye? How does an empty eye socket feel?

How many people in the world have glass eyes?

Who makes glass eyes?

What’s the typical age for getting a glass eye?

Is a glass eye obvious when looking at someone who has one? In what way?

How does the other eye compensate?

My ignorance on the subject of glass eyes is obvious. I imagined a glass eye to be an orb that gets popped into the socket and that’s about it. My sister’s story opened my own eyes to the fact that there is a lot more to know about glass eyes. Online research gave me a glimpse into the subject and answered a number of my questions.

I found a video on YouTube showing a young man demonstrating how to remove and insert a glass eye.

Those who make glass eyes and assist patients in glass eye fitting are called ocularists. There is an American Society of Ocularists.

Glass eyes, by the way, are no longer made of glass, although they used to be. They are now made of a particular type of plastic. They are also not the round eyes of my imagination. Rather, if the entire eyeball must be removed (called enucleation), an orbital implant is used to fill the socket and give it shape. The artifical eye is a cupped form that fits over either the orbital implant or the remaining natural eyeball. This eye is created to appear as life-like as possible, with an iris that closely matches the existing eye, surrounded by the white of the eye. “Artificial eye” and “prosthetic eye” seem to be the proper terms for these replacement eyes.

It is recommended that infants visit an ocularist every three months. A child under the age of 9 should go twice a year, and every one else, once a year. Although the website I’ve linked to for this info indicates these visits are more about keeping the artificial eye polished and making sure the human tissue is still healthy, rather than discussing the refitting for size.

I’ve learned many interesting things about artificial eyes, but there’s still more to learn. If anyone reading this has an artificial eye or knows someone with an artificial eye, I’d really be interested in hearing about what the experience is like on a personal level. Comments are moderated on this blog, so they won’t go public until I approve them. If you want me to keep your message private, please let me know within your comment, or send me an email at woowooteacup (at) gmail (dot) com.

Creating a Scene

The Art of Subtext: Beyond Plot by Charles Baxter

My review

rating: 5 of 5 stars
Marvelous book on how to work subtext (the story under the story) into fiction. Charles Baxter makes what could be a pedantic and plodding subject one that is comprehensible and interesting. I highly recommend this for writers attempting to build more depth into their writing.

View all my reviews.

My short GoodReads review of “The Art of Subtext: Beyond Plot” belies the fact that I have a lot more to say about the book. I really want to expound upon a particular chapter in Charles Baxter’s book and also urge readers not to turn away from this book because of its plain cover and understated title. Baxter uses many examples from well-known literature in order to illustrate the points he makes and he does so in an entertaining way. While not explicitly stated, this book encourages writers to examine their own work for subtext that they may not have been aware of including in their stories. It sure made me take a closer look at a particular scene in Greenville (chapter 10, Johnny Jesus Boots), and has informed how I will move forward on a current project (specifically in making sure to describe faces more closely).

Now that I’ve told you not to discount the book with the plain cover, I’d like to turn my attention to the chapter called “Creating a Scene.” Throughout the chapter, Baxter discusses how creating a scene is absolutely crucial to good fiction, even though creating a scene in real life is typically frowned upon. Creating a scene in this case is not about whipping up some scenario from your imagination and describing it on the page. In the sense Baxter is using the phrase, he means making a scene, causing a commotion, stirring feelings of discomfort in others through engaging in behavior that is unacceptable to polite society. Fiction lives through the scenes its ill-mannered characters make.

Baxter says, “If you were raised in the genteel tradition, as I was, you avoid scenes, even when people say they love you. This is not the best preparation in the world for writing stories.” (pg. 117)

I, too, was raised to avoid making scenes. The tradition wasn’t so much about gentility as it was about children being seen and not heard – and preferably not seen all that often, either. The purpose of squashing a child’s ability to make a scene was to uphold the comfort zones and order of the surrounding adults. (Can you imagine creating a scene in school?) When you become an adult, though, you discover that the ability to make an occasional scene is critical to not being steam-rolled by people who haven’t got your best interests at heart. (The Iranian elections are coming to mind, by way of illustration.)

When it comes to fiction, all bets are off, according to Baxter, as far as avoiding scenes is concerned. “In daily life, a writer may practice conflict-avoidance, but in fiction a writer must welcome conflict and walk straight into it.” (pg. 115) Conflict is where the story is. If life is all fine and dandy, running smoothly, happiness and bluebirds, that’s great for real world, but it means there is no story in fiction. You may as well be watching the grass grow if your story is free of conflict.

Along these lines, Baxter wrote, “Stories often require sparkplug characters — radically unpleasant types — as focusing agents.” (pg. 121)

I like that image – “sparkplug characters” – and the notion that they are “focusing agents,” pulling the action, the conflict of a story into a sharpness than makes you, the reader, pay attention to what’s happening. You’ll notice that sparkplug characters making a scene in real life also cause you to focus upon them, even if you’d rather not.

Baxter indicates that there are a couple of ways to create a scene about making a scene, either by having our sparkplug characters flout convention through the display of bad manners (pg. 128), or by having them attempt “to be visible to others, often in the service of a wish or a demand that [they] seek to impose.” (pg. 129)

Look at me! Look at me! Here I am! I have needs that need to be met, by golly! We can go a very long time without getting our needs met in real life because we refuse to create a scene. Along the way, we become crotchety. And the pressure builds. And the needs, if they haven’t been snuffed by stupor or hopelessness, keep rising and making their demands from the inside, until they overcome our desire to avoid a scene and suddenly we’re making a scene regardless of propriety.

The best part of fiction comes when the writer begins with the build-up of pressure and lets us watch to see if the character is going to blow.

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(As an aside, Baxter happens to mention one of my favorite writers in this chapter – Brenda “Strength to Your Sword Arm” Ueland. Baxter actually knew Ueland personally. While he doesn’t cite Ueland as an example of someone who made scenes, after observing her personality through her writing, I’m pretty sure she was as capable of creating a scene (through flouting convention) in real life, as well as in her writing.)

Billy Mays Found Dead

I was catching up on Twitter this morning and was shocked to discover that Billy Mays, the dark-haired, dark-bearded gentleman with the loud voice who sells all manner of products, had died this morning. I thought it must be some kind of a joke, especially after Michael Jackson’s untimely passing, so I did a further online search. ‘Tis unfortunately true.

Billy was one of those instantaneously recognizable human beings. He had a hook (more than one, really – the voice and the beard). He was easy to poke fun at (which I’ve done a couple of times) because he was larger-than-life, but he sure seemed to love what he was doing. Who doesn’t want to be in such a position?

It was a brilliant move on the Discovery Channel’s part to create a show with Billy Mays and Anthony Sullivan, another recognizable face in advertising. The show is called Pitchmen and after watching a couple of episodes, I gained a greater appreciation and respect for the type of work these men do. Plus, if truth be told, I started taking Billy more seriously. Dang! I’m going to miss him.

Rest in peace, Billy. My condolences to your family and friends.

Cialis Bathtubs

Though the question be oft-asked, I shall ask it again (and risk a magnificent storm of spam on my blog). What is up with the twin outdoor bathtubs on the Cialis ads?

Hubby and I saw one of these ads tonight on television and astute as we can be about symbolism and suchlike, we often turn to each other and scratch our heads over this. While the advertisers may have been attempting to hint at romance, rather than slam, bam, thank you, ma’am sex, they’ve missed the mark. The problem is that the bathtubs are distracting because they lead to unanswered questions.

Who in their right mind would drag what appears to be a cast-iron claw-foot tub out of doors? Who in their right mind would drag TWO such bathtubs out of doors and set them side-by-side on some hill/cliff overlooking the water? Is there any water in the tubs? It’s pretty obvious from the setting that there can’t possibly be plumbing attached to these tubs. If the tubs are empty, why would any normal couple each pick one to sit in so they could hold hands? Wouldn’t a bench be more comfortable? If the tubs are full, how did they come to be in such a state? Isn’t it likely that the water would have cooled off by the time someone managed to get two ginormous tubs filled? How does the couple handle getting in and out of the tub? I’m assuming they are naked, which is the usual state when bathing. Isn’t there an awkward moment when they drop or don their towels and some fisherman on the lake looks up and spots them?

But the most important question du jour is this: If this couple really wants to put Cialis to work for them, why would they choose to sit in two separate tubs?

At least Smiling Bob from the Enzyte commercials left no mystery as to why he was playing Santa.